Couples Therapy
Trouble comes to every relationship. We bring in our old, imperfect attachment patterns from early childhood and play them out with our loves. So we wound each other. But deep down, we really want to connect, know each other, and be known.
I treat couples with an approach based on Susan Johnson’s Emotion Focused Couples Therapy. This model focuses on the attachment relationship between partners. We work to repair that attachment by helping partners tune in to the attachment dance happening between them in real time, and giving each other the safe space in which to notice and heal that dance.
But since I’m also a trauma psychologist, I infuse EMDR (eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy into most of my work with couples. I do this because most couples (maybe all couples) bring past trauma with them into their current relationship . . . then experience more trauma in and through that adult attachment. It’s just what we do.
If we can reprocess old trauma that preceded the relationship, that goes a long way in allowing partners to reconnect. If we can heal the actual relationship by soothing the core of it, that’s a game changer.
COUPLES THERAPY BLOGS
Politics and the Sibling Bond: Anger Wisdom, Part XXVI
Sibling Political Anger I just spent a Saturday with my brother – after years of unspoken anger, political divisions, and very little contact. Three years my junior, he lives just twenty minutes away, Yet, we see each other perhaps once or twice a year. Michael and I...
Mindful Anger: Anger Wisdom, Part XXV
Mindful anger means experiencing the emotion in an: 1. awake, 2. deliberate, and 3. self-nurturing way. Let’s break this down a bit so we can see how to love ourselves through difficult moments. Last week, I had an experience that allowed me to practice this. The...
Boundaries and Compassion: Anger Wisdom, Part XXIV
How does anger help with compassion? Yesterday I talked with a friend who grasped, for the first time, how a family member had emotionally abused her. In about five minutes, she went from confused and ashamed . . . to angry, as she pieced together an incident in which...
Listening to Children’s Anger: Anger Wisdom, Part XXIII
Remember being angry as a child? Children's anger deserves our attention. When I talk to adults about their childhood anger, they usually remember, but feel anxious talking about it. Sometimes they draw a complete blank. I definitely remember being angry as a kid, and...
When Anger Corrodes: Anger Wisdom, Part XXII
When anger corrodes. Wait, does it? How can you tell when your anger morphs from a moment of clarity and self-protection to something else entirely? Anger has its destructive side . . . at least Ursula K. Le Guin believes it does. I reserve the right, at the end of...
Fear of Narcissism: Anger Wisdom, Part XXI
Fear of Narcissism Yesterday, I talked with someone who is deathly afraid of her anger. She said, “If I allow myself to express anger, I’m afraid I’ll be a narcissist.” I worry about this, too. But our fear of narcissism comes from a fundamental misunderstanding. We...
White Resentment: Anger Wisdom, Part XX
The Political is Personal The other night, I listened to Michelle Obama’s speech for the DNC, and I had a curious reaction. I felt so glad to see her, and at the same time, resentment. Everything she said made me cheer on one level; but on another level, feel...
Exiting a Sick System: Anger Wisdom, Part XIX
How does anger help us exit sick systems? Anger helps us exit sick systems. How? Anger allows information processing, because it is a part of the learning curve. So, let’s look at how anger facilitates timely exit when we need it. First, sick systems tend to have...
White Anger and Cultural Narcissism: Anger Wisdom, Part XVIII
What is Cultural Narcissism? Before we talk about White anger, we have to address cultural narcissism. Cultural narcissism, according to George Simon, includes all the ways a group or society tolerates, encourages, and promotes traits like: Excessive striving for...
Authoritarianism, Bad Parenting, and World Politics: Anger Wisdom, Part XVII
Bad Parenting and Misdirected Anger When I look at the global trend toward authoritarianism and fascism, I feel sick. Actually, I feel pissed. Did we learn nothing from the past hundred years? How do the most insecure, least competent, people come into such global...
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