Couples Therapy
Trouble comes to every relationship. We bring in our old, imperfect attachment patterns from early childhood and play them out with our loves. So we wound each other. But deep down, we really want to connect, know each other, and be known.
I treat couples with an approach based on Susan Johnson’s Emotion Focused Couples Therapy. This model focuses on the attachment relationship between partners. We work to repair that attachment by helping partners tune in to the attachment dance happening between them in real time, and giving each other the safe space in which to notice and heal that dance.
But since I’m also a trauma psychologist, I infuse EMDR (eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy into most of my work with couples. I do this because most couples (maybe all couples) bring past trauma with them into their current relationship . . . then experience more trauma in and through that adult attachment. It’s just what we do.
If we can reprocess old trauma that preceded the relationship, that goes a long way in allowing partners to reconnect. If we can heal the actual relationship by soothing the core of it, that’s a game changer.
COUPLES THERAPY BLOGS
Anger Work De-Stress Now: Anger Wisdom, Part XV
Deliberate, controlled anger work helps people de-stress and feel better, immediately. Anger De-Stress People are stressed out right now. They feel the stress of the pandemic and the seeming hopelessness of our political circus. I hear people say: I can't believe so...
Empathic Anger: Anger Wisdom, Part XIV
Empathy+Anger=Empathic Anger Empathic anger rises up in us when we see someone else being mistreated and we feel outrage on their behalf. We want to defend the person, protect them. Mirror neurons make us naturals at feeling the pain of others. I remember this most...
The Myth of Selfish Anger: Anger Wisdom, Part XIII
Selfish Anger? I recently saw a church flyer advertising its curriculum to help members deal with their anger. The minister quoted Frederick Buechner who called anger one of the seven deadly sins. “To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past . ....
Anger at Myself: Anger Wisdom, Part XI
But what if I’m just mad at myself? I nearly always get this question from my clients. Who are you most angry with? I ask. 75% of the time, the answer comes back: I feel anger at myself. Angry with myself for not knowing better Mad at myself for thinking I could...
Scary Anger Dissociation: Anger Wisdom, Part X
Dissociation Makes for Scary Anger I know you: You don’t want to hurt anybody, ever. But you grew up around someone who behaved irresponsibly when they were angry. You’d prefer take it out on yourself than be anything like that person. That person showed scary anger...
Anger & Forgiveness: Anger Wisdom, Part VIII
The heart wants to forgive. No matter the offense or the offender, we desire the release of letting it go. Our need to forgive is universal and I believe clear, grounded anger bridges us from hurt to forgiveness. In other words, when we feel angry with the other, we...
Anger Grooming & Dissociation: Anger Wisdom, Part VII
“Angry People” So here’s where anger gets really complicated. Not only do we dissociate in response to anger triggers when we fear being angry . . . we numb our anger based on heavy grooming that starts as soon as we’re born. My client, David (not his real name),...
Anger Triggers: Anger Wisdom, Part V
Anger Wisdom Means Knowing Our Triggers Here's the beginning of one of my big anger triggers. When I was eleven, a younger kid who came to our house for violin lessons wanted to feed my little red swordfish. I warned him not to add any flakes because I’d just done it....
Sixteen Truths About Anger: Anger Wisdom, Part IV
16 Anger Truths This list of anger truths comes from my own and other people's research, as well as my nearly 30 years in the mental health industry. I'll be back soon to discuss each item here. For today, I want to put the list in front of you. It matters to me, as a...
Anger Wisdom, Part II: Anger Insight
20 years after The Anger Advantage was published, new insights about the emotional spectrum, based on EMDR therapy and mounting medical research show anger as part of something larger. Anger functions as part of a process of trauma recovery, both in everyday life and in therapy.
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