Woman-Hate=Mostly Unconscious Fear of Women’s Empowerment.
One day, in 1992, I had a panic attack. It came out of nowhere. I got up early and dressed for work, made breakfast and started a load of laundry, turned on the morning news while I finished my hair and my (ex) partner snored peacefully. I stood in front of the TV as a string of commercials hypnotized me.
In one commercial, an attractive young woman mopped her kitchen floor, wearing an outfit cute enough for a dinner party or church. She looked so satisfied. Next thing, I was on the floor, my heart hammering. The apartment spun and the oxygen disappeared. I tried to yell for help, but nothing came out. I thought I would vomit or die and I grabbed desperately for cold table legs to stop the flames in my face and neck.
Ten minutes later, nothing. I got in my car and left for the day, wondering what the hell had just happened. Years later, I connected the dots.
A Woman’s Distress and The Fear of Women
Misogyny (woman-hate) comes from fear: fear of change, fear of disruption to the existing social order. Misogyny fills our cultural consciousness right now, because people fear the change that comes with women’s power.
How do I know?
Here’s how: These signs show up in my office and social life every day. A woman’s panic attacks, her sense of being flawed, her belief she is ugly . . . all point to a bigger problem. She is surrounded by other women just like her, with those same panic attacks, that same guilt.
Symptoms of Woman-Hate Culture
Misogyny is a mental health issue. Notice how many of these symptoms apply to you. Now, more than ever, I see the problem of gender inequality and panic in the presenting problems of my clients. Cultural woman-hate creates individual distress.
- Child sexual abuse in our family history.
- Hating our bodies.
- Not being perfect enough.
- “Family Values.”
- Depression that comes and goes throughout the lifespan.
- Post-partum depression.
- Guilt about not being nice enough.
- Fear of our sexual desire.
- Not having any sexual desire
- Resenting other women for looking better or accomplishing more.
- Panic attacks or anxiety that’s sort of always there.
- Fear of telling him how we really feel; fear he’ll leave if he knows how strong our feelings are.
- Being called crazy and believing it.
- Thinking we’re too sensitive, too easily triggered, too selfish.
- Focusing so much on fashion that we don’t have time to write.
- Taking care of everyone else, but not getting enough rest.
- Fear that we’ll be one of those bitter women.
- Fear of aging.
- Being bullied by other women. Not trusting them anymore.
- Thinking, “I expect too much.”
- Thinking anger makes me ugly.
- Believing a good leader acts like a man, looks like a man.
- Feeling that my very nature is broken, fallen, sinful, and unlovable.
- Forcing ourselves to wear clothes and shoes that feel bad, because to refuse them would mean we’re not feminine.
- Believing our gut feelings are silly, our emotional responses irrational, our intuition untrustworthy.
Evolution & Health
My list barely scrapes the surface. But you know what I’m getting at. Those perfect images make us feel sick, but pressured too. We panic because we breathe the fear and loathing of women in the air; not because we’re weak or paranoid or mistaken about the world. We didn’t make this up.
But. On the Upside. We Evolve. Whether we intend to change or not. A pendulum drags us through the whipping wind. We feel afraid. And we change. In spite of ourselves. This change is the heart of my novel, Wife Material: one girl’s evolution and empowerment.
Every empowered woman helps us all evolve. She makes the world a healthier place for all of us.
How to Cope with Woman-Hate Right Now
- Know that change is happening for the better.
- Try to relax, breathe deeply from the belly.
- Look for good in the women you know. Even the ones you don’t trust.
- Repeat this mantra: I embody goodness and love.
- Make eye contact with as many people as you can, regardless of their gender. Send them love.
- Meditate on all the art and music being made in the world.
- Focus on something beautiful.
- Do physical anger work. Whack a punching bag and hurl obscenities. Let it out of your body.
- Get as much rest as possible.
- Know that it’s all going to be okay.
Read Wife Material